Baby steps.

I always feel like my birthday is the start of a new year for me instead of the universal New Year that we all celebrate... and with good reason! I got back with Walmart last month, got new glasses so I can actually SEE what I'm supposed to, and fixing to make a move soon. Life is good. I am, overall, pretty happy now, and I think I can possibly make some changes in medication. My only fear is anxiety and all that...I have like, three different medication prescriptions to keep it all at bay and I still gave in to a pack of smokes (which I only have one-three at the most, and only at work). *sigh* Baby steps.

Mirror, Mirror...

I honestly don't like myself lately. I try to accommodate for other people for the wrong reasons. I end up hurting people for my own selfish ones. I lose people because of my actions. My words. My dreams are all about post apocalypse. Apocalypse is about seeing a personal problem in ones self so post is getting past that, perhaps? I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I hate it here.

Life, You Suck.

I really hate being made to feel guilty. I hate when someone thinks I'm making up excuses when I'm not trying to... I just suck. Okay? Life sucks. I suck. Deal with it. I don't get out enough to spend time with my friends. I wish I lived in town. I want my friends to be able to come visit me whenever they want to and vice versa. I just need a little bit of money. A nice weekend job should do it. I can handle that, right? Right? I hope so. I really want to move so that I actually have that excuse that I am too far away or whatever. Ugh. At the same time, I don't want to be far away. It's all really... frustrating, really. I give up thinking for now.

Forgiveness Re-Examined

I've always liked this story and feel like I'm going to give forgiveness one more try. But first, the story, then my thoughts.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried pitifully for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

Now, to my thoughts. I try to put a time goal on trying to forgive my Mom and her family for what they all did. Most of me knows it's a much better idea to say fuck them all and move on. I'm making my own family. WITHOUT THEM. But there's that part of me that is sickeningly kindhearted and needs to keep the peace. I want to forgive them, but if I ever associate with them again, I will develop an irrational fear of being touched. So, am I willing to give up my sanity that I try so hard to keep as it is, just to keep the peace with people who don't see the world as I do, as a whole, that there is more to all of this than their greedy selves? Probably not. I think I'm done this time. I'm pretty sure it's over. Will I attend funerals? Yes. Will I cry? I don't know, actually. They feel dead to me as it is, I don't think it'll be much more than a little shock... if I cried, it'd be happy tears of final release. I don't like any of them right now. Cherryl and Carl always side with my mother and suffer if they don't. Same goes for my Grandparents. Might as well be the same for my Aunt Litza but they're kind of the same. Debra... failed faster than I did with starting college because she didn't listen to me. At all. Jennifer is still the little whore that she always will be. Deanna is a confused and sexual person that is in love with her homophobic best friend. The only three that I'm not sure of are Todd, Nathaniel and Cynthia. They're the only ones who keep silence. It's strange. And sad. I hope the best for them, but I doubt Cynthia will be much different from the rest of her family, sad as it sounds. Hopefully Nathaniel is losing more weight and becoming healthier and more productive. I hope Todd is smarter about his after high school plans and leaves far away to make his own life. I hope to run into him again on a bittersweet note. I hope all of the adults die soon from their drug, alcohol and depression problems. They're better off and the world is better off without filth like them. Will I ever forgive them for their shunning? I don't fucking think so.

Opera and Sunshine

I've recently lapsed out of depression a little more by pushing myself out of my "safe zones". I went to watch an opera workshop and it was quite an experience. I've listened before, obviously, but to be there is something different altogether. Two days ago, it was raining but I went for a walk all on my own for the first time in ages. Not only did I just leave, but I just kept walking... for 4.5 miles. crazy. The next day I asked a friend to give me a random workout. I'll try to do this from now on. Yesterday was jumpingjacks. Today is situps. (I'll do more later) and tomorrow is to yet be decided. I feel better being out in public with my friends. People I know. I don't feel alone... I'm alright in the woods on my own apparently. I did fine on that walk until I hit "civilization". Oh god, am I becoming a hermit like my mother? No. No. No. I love company. That makes me different. I love company, hosting get togethers, cooking, so on... I am completely different, thank you very much. I notice that I write my blogs in a sense like I'm talking to myself. It's very interesting. Someday, I can come back and read all this... probably thinking "wow, I was a real basketcase back then". Maybe I still will be. :)

You know what sucks?

When you want to do something that you usually do and at the same time, you don't want to at all.
You think you're tired, but you know you're not going to fall asleep any time soon.
Remembering the smell of someone that you wish you never had to remember ever again.
You're hungry and can't bring yourself to eat anything.
You want to smile or laugh and it just seems impossible.
To walk out in the sun... but you sleep all day.
Life.
Live it.

Inevitable

It seems to be a trend in my life where, people leave... I replace them... kind of... not really. Three people that I'm terrified will leave me and one already has. The other two promise they never will... and I only believe one of them. I've never had close friends. I'm not even sure why I don't focus a whole lot on friendships. I just don't. People irritate me too easily unless they're just... I don't know... Maybe, I'm jealous? I know that much. I was jealous when my Mom started dating Gary in the first place. Now look where that is. I'm jealous that my best friend is... well... best friends with someone else now. Soon... she'll have more people to keep her occupied and won't need me much at all.

I think about moving a lot. I want to move again. I want to start over, kind of. I'm looking for that next dead drop that has all of the information I'm looking for in it. Ugh. Yes, this is a piss and moan entry. Do I give a fuck? Um... wait, I see it... there it--nope, it's gone now.

I hate depression.

Even more... I hate being a depressed introvert. Loneliest fucking type of person, take it from me. If I didn't have Nathan, quite honestly, I would either be in a different country like I planned before by now. Only because I don't care for the idea of taking my life. What the hell was the point of me whining on a daily basis, if I'm gonna do that shit?

I just want my life back. I almost had it... almost... I kinda have it... kinda...

Maybe I need to get out more.

I miss my Mommy.

You know what a big part of healing is? Apologizing and forgiveness. I'm sorry to my Mom for all the pain and trouble I've caused her. And I'm working on forgiving her. That takes time. And even when I get there, I don't think I'll want her in my life anymore anyways. Yes. She may have her faults, but that doesn't mean I haven't any. I know that's a hard thing to accept from most of my loved ones' perspectives. That's because I only talk about the bad times. It's easy to tear apart someone by listing their worst flaws. She was there for me during my first two suicidal attempts. The first was about my Dad. He-- I was upset about him neglecting us. It was upsetting more when I was younger than it is now. Maybe. Maybe I just know how to handle it better now. I wrote something about wanting to end it all. She drove me for an hour all the way where we lived at the time to La Crosse because she didn't know what to do. I've never seen her so scared. She was running red lights at 2am, screaming at other drivers. She gets really crazy when she's angry. The other time was after I moved back with them. I had no will to get up, eat, nothing. I was lifeless. And when I called her before that, she was there as soon as she could. Something tells me she'd do it again. But I don't want to try anymore. That piece of my heart is shattered and crushed. There's no repairing that. When she dies, I'll probably wish I had said something. Wish I had done some things different. Wish she was still there. I can't help it. I love my mom. I really do. It's the most painful thing in the world, losing someone so close. I miss my mommy. It hurts so much. I think what hurts most is that, for once, I know that there is no possibility of me being in the wrong this time. And I wish there was. Because at least, if I was wrong, I can admit it and being around them again. Hug them. Tell them I love them. Hear about their lives. My mom and brother were the top people in my life for the first 20 years of it all. Technically, minus 4 for my brother. All in conclusion, I'm healing. I'm getting there. I cry. I talk. I think. I move on. I don't need them anymore to live. They don't need me.

Black Nights

I never had a moment like that. I actually had a feeling get away from me that was one I always ignored, one that needed to be relieved. Well it wanted to end me tonight. I spend eight fucking years keeping that at bay, so why the fuck would I give in now? I've done more than grown since then. I have the willpower to do what I please and not give in.

My Last Conversation With My Mother.

• Jess Taylor

  • So, I think I'm one of the last people you'd expect to message you at midnight and I honestly don't know if you care to read what I have to say, but depending how things go, I might not disappear again.
    I just want to get it out there that I find Jennifer's new relationship with Dustin who is not only 24 years old, but her cousin's ex-fiance, a little more than disturbing. Please tell me you're not okay with this, because if anyone is, I have lost all fucking faith in the humanity of this family and want absolutely nothing to do with it.
• March 12

  Aletta Tibbles

  • Ok I just got it bizarre. And I know this is weird for you but it will last until you tell her all the stories about him. And it has to come from you not me. I didn't want her dating Josh Perrigo lil druggie and thief so I told her Dustin was better than Josh at least you can talk her out of this one. She thinks she has to have a man and here's me shaking my head at her. Crazy girl she's real hurt by Max breaking up w her n Dustin is rebound is all. I have faith in you to talk her out of it and I love you too always will no matter what even when you've done shit you shouldn't have. And I gotta tell ya you need to apologize b4 I talk any more to ya ok. Bcoz what ya did was wrong and it still hurts
• March 12

  Jess Taylor

  • haha I can tell her all about Josh too for that matter. we dated for a little while when I was living with shyrah. not something I'm proud of.
  • And honestly, we've both done things we shouldn't have, you and I. What exactly I'm apologizing for I'm not too sure of though.

Level of Pain

You know that personality, that usually the most emotional types have, where they try to make people smile, laugh, or simply feel better because those emotions end up affecting their own? I have that really hard.

I have spent my life so far, making others happy, before myself. A lot of them don't realize it. It's just instinct for me. My friend is upset, I be rational about the situation and still try to make them cheer up. If someone's hurt, I try to help them feel better. 

What about me? What about when I feel hurt... empty... useless... or distraught? I never ask that... "what about me"... it always sounds so selfish. But sometimes, I can't help it. :( 

Sometimes all it takes is someone having a bad day and snapping at me for me to break down like it's the end of the world. Then what? I sit here. Blog. Cry. Cry until I feel okay again. 

I don't understand where things went wrong in my life... why I don't enjoy leaving home... why I get anxious at the thought of leaving home... why I worry so much about things, but could care less what happens to me.

I appreciate that I have people who care. Some people don't have that. But this isn't about other people who have it worse. I don't give a shit. I'm not having a good time and I want to get better. 

I don't get to go cry to my mommy because she thinks I'm insane and wants me to bend to her will and be okay with her selfless husband attempting to make out with me and grabbing my ass. No thanks.

I can't go cry to my daddy because he's an alcoholic and really isn't all there. Not to mention, years of neglect kind of makes me less comfortable around him. 

I can't really go to any of my family because they either side with my mother or I've never been able to see them much when I was younger. 

I literally have no one in family anymore. 

So I've made my own. Unfortunately, making your own family means that it's like a bunch of hedgehogs in a box. You wanna cuddle to keep warm but your quills end up hurting each other and so you have to keep your distance. 

Someday, I'm hoping to be able to blog about my happy life. 

Someday.
I'll start by watching some comedy. Can't go wrong with comedy and comfort food.

How To Love

Click this for the Story behind the song...

I've always liked this song since I first heard it and until now, never caught onto the story behind the acting. I can attest that this song strikes some painful chords in one's past, mine especially, and I just want to point out that people overcome hardships like this every day. Honestly? If it weren't for Emi and her family taking me in when I was kicked to the curb and for Nate loving me unconditionally, I'd probably be in the worst of situations... the ones nobody likes talking about but you see it on the news anyway. I'm not exactly thriving in life at the moment, but I'm happy and that counts for more than most can account for. <3 Thanks everyone who's ever been there for me in every and any little way.

Crying Away The Last of My Pain

I'm not sure why the tears are rolling down my cheeks right now but I feel so overwhelmed right now... I never realized how much I love Nathan. The thought of losing him kills me inside. The image of his smile or silly gestures makes me smile and cry even harder. Oh, Lord. I'm beginning to sweat. Or I'm just really warm. To think that in less than a week, I'll have been with the man for six months. I've never had a serious argument with him, never been angry with him, never had him angry with me, never felt cheated or less than what I'm worth.
To think... that I had specific plans to leave my life behind without a word to anyone before that night he took me up on the ridge to look at La Crosse from an amazing view... yeah, that moment will be with me forever. I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I tried everything because there was no way, in my mind, that there was a perfect man. I even tried blaming it on his teeth at one point but it didn't friggin' work. I will always love this man, as I always have.

Curing Suicide

Sounds like an oxymoron: "curing suicide". I know, battling depression for as long as I have, and at such a young age, it's taken a lot of willpower to keep my eyes open. I've been wanting to die for years now, and to this day, I still feel like ending life as I know it for the selfish reason that I feel like there's no more in my life. I've lost a lot, I've tried and failed at so many things. People... I fucking hate people sometimes. Suicide is a way to get attention. People who say that shit make people like me not tell others the truth. I don't know how many doctors or people I love that I have lied to because I don't want attention. I hate being center of attention. That's why I don't talk much in groups. Then, there are the people who say there's always someone worse off than you. Who gives a fuck? I don't go around undermining your fucking problems with my own, so let me deal with my own. I'm not even talking to anyone directly, just saying, in general, that I fucking hate people sometimes. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, saying I hate when people do this and that, when I've said it to people myself. But I feel like shit after I do because I know they don't want to hear that. I know I wouldn't. I want to know the cure to suicide. Suicide isn't just the act of taking your own life. It's the entire process of life deteriorating before your own eyes, the breaking down and demoralizing of your own self-image. The loss of willpower to keep up. Finally, you fall behind. You give in to the darkness, where you lack feelings. You eventually lose the ability to cry. You can't move your face to make an expression other than pain and the occasional automatic blinking. Sometimes you just don't want to be alive and don't have the energy to off yourself so you just fucking sleep all the time. It is what it is. I have my own personal cure now. It's kept me alive for years and I've achieved so much. I remember the good in my life. There ARE happy memories. There IS good in everyone. I'm a natuaral optimist who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I'm also HOH (hard-of-hearing) and possibly ADD. I'm homeless, jobless after being fired a month ago, I don't have a relationship with either of my divorced parents, and I am having a fucking fun time getting foodstamps and disability insurance, if not income. That about sums the ongoing shit in my life. I also have a loving best friend who, along with her amazing family, opened their doors to me and welcome me to their home. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me with no bounds and his family, too, has opened their doors to me. I may not have my own biological family to talk to all the time because I pretty much hate the fucking majority of them, but I have some of them left. That, and I have all these amazing people that I keep in my heart forever. I do what I can for them. Someday, I'll be all better. Someday, I can look back on these days and be thankful for the help I got from all these people. Still confused on how you cure suicide. You know your cure if you're reading this whether you know it or not. Blessed are those who never had to or ever have to suffer. Blessed are those who fight and win. I wish I could speak for those who lost their battles but only God knows why.

Depressed... not so much anymore?

I surprise myself sometimes. It's been over a week with me and the medication and I think it's significantly improving my overall mood. That alone makes me a happier person. I have emotions. I got so pissed off today instead of sad and mopey about it. I was almost willing to talk to my mother today. Didn't happen because my cousin and her mother thought it was their God-given right to stick their nose where the sun don't shine. If my mom really thought about it, she raised me like she is now, except my priorities are a little more different. Hell, my whole life is different. But, I'm not going to let someone tell me that I'm living my life wrong simply because it's not how they did it. I have no excuse? Don't undermine my strength with your pitiful weakness, lady. You have no right to judge me and I refuse to give you the satisfaction that you have done anything but piss me off and make me not want to be a part of that so-called family even more. Your daughter is a bit like you, lately. Typical. Brown noser AND a slut. Quite fitting, I suppose. I discovered that my little cousin is bi. I always had a feeling she would turn out lesbian or bi. Either I'm the most trustworthy relative she has or she has awesome gaydar, confiding to her bi cousin. Fitting, I suppose. I love her all the same and support her unconditionally. I'm just a bit concerned about her coming out in her high school years. That can't be easy. I'll do what I can for her though. I will always love that little girl with all my damned heart. It'd tear me apart to hear her being bullied by kids at school or her own family... I can't imagine my rage, but I'll try to keep a cool head.
So, I started talking to my best friend tonight and she told me that she accidentally got soda on my laptop and was freaking out about it all evening and my initial reaction was like... slight-no, mild disappointment. It was so lame for an emotion. I'm used to RAGE over stupid, trivial things like material possessions. That's anxiety for ya, I guess. I haven't felt this normal in SO long. I used to get over things within the minute it happened. Oh, you broke my crayon? Bitch. Let's go get another one. (lol) But seriously, then I just kinda did that whole count to ten thing before I say anything and think about it. It wasn't THAT bad. Not to mention I didn't pay for it anyway. I like that my meds make me better in the head. Sounds like I'm a crazy person. Oh well, maybe I am, but it's a good crazy.

Just One of Them Days

It's just one of them days, where I just wanna cry, just wanna die. Just one of them days where I can't take the pain but there's no one to blame...
It's just one of them days where I get a little empty inside, can't make much sense out of what I'm thinking, always dreamin'...
It's just one of them days where I wanna shut down, no point in going back, don't dare turn around...
It's just one of them days so hell-bent and spiteful, killing me in turn, no warning or kind whisper...
Don't tell me it gets better, only I can decide that...
Don't worry about me, it's just one of them days.

Karma. It ebbs and flows...

I spend a lot of my time lately thinking about how hungry I am, how to kill this bastard on Skyrim, how to maneuver my next sneak attack on my boyfriend's feet, and how I'm going to spend the following day.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.

It's Not Them, It's Me

I've come to the conclusion that my depression is not anyone's fault. I realized it's not the people making me miserable, it's my lack of people, and things to do ...that is the cause. Smile often. Just smile for no reason.

My Life Indeed Sucks Without It

Why I quit my job? Not sure. Can't be assed, thinking about the past anymore. I need to move on and on.
I have found someone so wonderful to be my significant other and he is ever so supportive, I think I'm falling in love.
I want to move, yet again, much closer to downtown. I'm significantly closer now, but not quite There yet.
I can't quite forgive the financial ass rape I've been receiving lately from letting people on my phone account or using my name to buy them furniture. I need to use my friend's advice and learn to say no more often. Stop letting people, especially those close to me, take advantage of what I have to give.  Can't handle it anymore.
And this time around, I will be more financially responsible by making and sticking to a fixed budget. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Here's hoping for progress in my immediate future. Cheers!

Penny for your thoughts...

I've come to the conclusion that moving on means starting over. No more basing new experience with old. No more blaming others for how I am. Quit taking everything seriously and just live life how it is. One day at a time. Let the weakness leave my body one pain at a time. Overcome impossibilities. Live life on the edge and like there's no tomorrow.  Tell everyone I love that i appreciate them on a more common basis. Create a world of color and use shades of every part of the spectrum. Learn to fly. Embrace change. Read this very blog every time I lose my way. :)