How To Love

Click this for the Story behind the song...

I've always liked this song since I first heard it and until now, never caught onto the story behind the acting. I can attest that this song strikes some painful chords in one's past, mine especially, and I just want to point out that people overcome hardships like this every day. Honestly? If it weren't for Emi and her family taking me in when I was kicked to the curb and for Nate loving me unconditionally, I'd probably be in the worst of situations... the ones nobody likes talking about but you see it on the news anyway. I'm not exactly thriving in life at the moment, but I'm happy and that counts for more than most can account for. <3 Thanks everyone who's ever been there for me in every and any little way.

Crying Away The Last of My Pain

I'm not sure why the tears are rolling down my cheeks right now but I feel so overwhelmed right now... I never realized how much I love Nathan. The thought of losing him kills me inside. The image of his smile or silly gestures makes me smile and cry even harder. Oh, Lord. I'm beginning to sweat. Or I'm just really warm. To think that in less than a week, I'll have been with the man for six months. I've never had a serious argument with him, never been angry with him, never had him angry with me, never felt cheated or less than what I'm worth.
To think... that I had specific plans to leave my life behind without a word to anyone before that night he took me up on the ridge to look at La Crosse from an amazing view... yeah, that moment will be with me forever. I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I tried everything because there was no way, in my mind, that there was a perfect man. I even tried blaming it on his teeth at one point but it didn't friggin' work. I will always love this man, as I always have.

What Harry Potter means to me?

I was asked by a friend in a role-play group for her final college project  to write about what Harry Potter means to me. I wrote the following on the group wall today: 


Harry Potter, has been like Alice in Wonderland to me. It was a world to escape to. A world unlike any other, yet, very similar to our own. Fighting the evil bullies in our society, not matter their level, it was encouraging to know that anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. So many important life lessons, friendship lessons, love lessons... lessons on how to keep hope. That one scene when Dumbledore dies and everyone raises their wands to banish the dark mark always tugs at my heartstrings. That is true unity. Whether you believe in a higher power, or a common idea, or simply support the same person who lead you toward the light, there is a strong sense of brother and sisterhood. Of family. I don't really have much of a family anymore as my mother is a recovering drug addict that has gone off the edge and thinks I'm insane and my dad is an alcoholic who doesn't care about anything except the next bottle he buys. I can't speak with my own brother and the rest of my mother's family has pretty much disowned me and vice versa. I've never been close to my dad's family because my mother didn't want us to be after the divorce. Like I said, as far as blood family goes, I got nothing. So, like Harry, I've made my own family. I have a few choice close friends that I keep close. I have the love of my life with me and we plan to make a bigger family someday. Not to mention, I've become rather attached to his own family. Yes, I will read Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter to my kids. And when they're a little older, they can watch the movies, too. 

People These Days

I have three types of people who bother me as of late. One is the person who tells everyone they're in a relationship and refuse to tell who that other person is because they don't want drama. What, that person isn't worth the drama? My significant other sure as hell is! I'll go to the tops of buildings and shout out that I fucking love him endlessly. Took me two months of knowing him, sure, but it's there. It's not the same for everyone. Some take longer. Some take what seems like no fucking time at all, get a look at the goods and decide it's all good. I'm shaking my damn head. Ugh.
Second type of person is the person who complains about the gun laws. First of all, I support the 2nd amendment and won't think twice before I shoot anyone who's a physical threat to myself or others. I might even shoot at them if they're attempting to rob me or won't get the hell of my property. Nathan, if you're reading this, a nice shot gun will be a perfect housewarming gift for me. Sure, it's short range, but I noticed that people piss themselves when a loaded double-barrel is aimed at them. Anyway, these articles about defenseless young black men being shot (I'm being specific because that's ALL the media reports lately) is getting a little out of hand. I'm sure there are people all over the place getting shot because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time or doing something they shouldn't. We'll never know for sure because hey, they're dead. But please, type of person number 2, please know the fucking difference between 'defenseless' and 'unarmed'. There is a big fucking difference. Need I say more?
Oh yeah, type three. The female friend or relative of yours that thinks she needs a man in her life to make her happy. Literally, YESTERDAY, I was told that she didn't need a man in her life (she's straight, so I won't get into the gay talk for this blog) and she thinks her friends are silly for thinking she needed one to be happy. I couldn't agree more, and inb4 you call me a hypocrite; yes, I am happily taken by a man. But, before he and I got together, I was finally past that awful phase where I thought I needed a man. I didn't need a man, but holy hell did I need a penis. So, I had a fuck buddy. There is a difference there, too. Now, I have a man, penis AND a vibrator! AND tits (my own)!  Sorry, t.m.i.
But anyway, she gets online and is like 'guess what?' and I'm sitting here hoping she finally has a fucking place instead of couch surfing with her stupid friends, but nooo, she has a boyfran now! Ooooh!!! Isn't it fucking glorious? Sure. Until you check out his record and find he has two counts of battery, 2 counts of disorderly conduct, and bail jumping--which, at 18 (oh yeah, he's 18) implies that he has charges against him from when he was a minor. Lovely. Oh wait, there's more. Resisting or obstructing an officer. And another bail jumping. Oh there is more... two more disorderly conduct charges, FIVE more bail jumping (can't this kid keep his fucking nose clean or what?) and another obstructing an officer charge. All in his 18th year! What a goddamn winner we have here! Lord, what am I gonna do with this girl... most I can do is wait and see.
So yeah. People, goddamn.

Curing Suicide

Sounds like an oxymoron: "curing suicide". I know, battling depression for as long as I have, and at such a young age, it's taken a lot of willpower to keep my eyes open. I've been wanting to die for years now, and to this day, I still feel like ending life as I know it for the selfish reason that I feel like there's no more in my life. I've lost a lot, I've tried and failed at so many things. People... I fucking hate people sometimes. Suicide is a way to get attention. People who say that shit make people like me not tell others the truth. I don't know how many doctors or people I love that I have lied to because I don't want attention. I hate being center of attention. That's why I don't talk much in groups. Then, there are the people who say there's always someone worse off than you. Who gives a fuck? I don't go around undermining your fucking problems with my own, so let me deal with my own. I'm not even talking to anyone directly, just saying, in general, that I fucking hate people sometimes. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, saying I hate when people do this and that, when I've said it to people myself. But I feel like shit after I do because I know they don't want to hear that. I know I wouldn't. I want to know the cure to suicide. Suicide isn't just the act of taking your own life. It's the entire process of life deteriorating before your own eyes, the breaking down and demoralizing of your own self-image. The loss of willpower to keep up. Finally, you fall behind. You give in to the darkness, where you lack feelings. You eventually lose the ability to cry. You can't move your face to make an expression other than pain and the occasional automatic blinking. Sometimes you just don't want to be alive and don't have the energy to off yourself so you just fucking sleep all the time. It is what it is. I have my own personal cure now. It's kept me alive for years and I've achieved so much. I remember the good in my life. There ARE happy memories. There IS good in everyone. I'm a natuaral optimist who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I'm also HOH (hard-of-hearing) and possibly ADD. I'm homeless, jobless after being fired a month ago, I don't have a relationship with either of my divorced parents, and I am having a fucking fun time getting foodstamps and disability insurance, if not income. That about sums the ongoing shit in my life. I also have a loving best friend who, along with her amazing family, opened their doors to me and welcome me to their home. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me with no bounds and his family, too, has opened their doors to me. I may not have my own biological family to talk to all the time because I pretty much hate the fucking majority of them, but I have some of them left. That, and I have all these amazing people that I keep in my heart forever. I do what I can for them. Someday, I'll be all better. Someday, I can look back on these days and be thankful for the help I got from all these people. Still confused on how you cure suicide. You know your cure if you're reading this whether you know it or not. Blessed are those who never had to or ever have to suffer. Blessed are those who fight and win. I wish I could speak for those who lost their battles but only God knows why.

Playing with mush

I can't seem to grasp onto something I want to do with my life and what about it is so important, exactly... I have the love of my life. He's important to me. I have my best friend. She is important to me. I love my family and their families are awesome. A lot of my family can go suck my hypothetical dick, though. I really wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire...
Taking a step back and three deep breaths, I have a cigarette craving.
I look at the thermometer. It's 31.2 degrees outside. Screw that. Unless I put pants on, hmm.
I've definitely got the having kids thing on hold. Got that shit on hold for over four years now. Marriage? Whenever he gets around to it. I love him either way, really. We're devoted to each other like we are married or something, and that's what matters most to me. A rare love. You can't find it because it happens on accident. Pure chance.
Let's talk career mode. Ugh. I want to do something that will keep me busy. I love being busy and having something to do, but on a scale of impossible to getting shit done, I want to be able to get shit done. I'm thinking... travel agent. And accounting and tax specialist. So much to do. I want to start now. I need to start now, before I go nuts OH MY GOD I need to get back into school before I go postal.
That is all. Good night.

Cutest thing in the world

I love when you're asleep, you look so relaxed.
You have at least 4 different positions you frequently like to be in,
I can fit into every one of them, comfortably.
You have a distinct snore and breathing pattern that reads 'Do not disturb',
And I let you dream away after a kiss.
But cutest of all, I can tell when you're awake.
You move your feet, and I usually keep mine by yours, so we end up playing footsie.
I've never had someone who could make me smile daily, or turn my cheeks red with a single look.
It's a most loving feeling...
And then there's the color of your beautiful blue-green eyes when you open them after hours closed and look into mine.
It's times like this where I really don't care that I can't hear very well.
I'd die a little inside every day, if I couldn't see your face anymore.