Just One of Them Days

It's just one of them days, where I just wanna cry, just wanna die. Just one of them days where I can't take the pain but there's no one to blame...
It's just one of them days where I get a little empty inside, can't make much sense out of what I'm thinking, always dreamin'...
It's just one of them days where I wanna shut down, no point in going back, don't dare turn around...
It's just one of them days so hell-bent and spiteful, killing me in turn, no warning or kind whisper...
Don't tell me it gets better, only I can decide that...
Don't worry about me, it's just one of them days.

Thoughts on the Validity of Friendships

 I keep my friends like this: If they are, in any way, what I would like to be like, I keep them. They are my motivation, my pride, my love. Once they show an ugly side, like close mindedness, or something I vow to never come into my life, we tend to grow apart, whether I like it or not. Fools will be fools. Don't let them fool you twice.  And it's the friends that you can joke around with about anything that are worth keeping forever. :)

Karma. It ebbs and flows...

I spend a lot of my time lately thinking about how hungry I am, how to kill this bastard on Skyrim, how to maneuver my next sneak attack on my boyfriend's feet, and how I'm going to spend the following day.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.

VINEYARD SPAM SALAD

s Recipe By     : 
 Serving Size  : 6    Preparation Time :0:00
 Categories    : Salads
 
   Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
 --------  ------------  --------------------------------
    1       cn           SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
                         -(12 oz)
      2/3   c            Mayonnaise or salad dressing
    1       tb           Lime juice
    1       t            Dry mustard
    2       c            Seedless grapes
    1       c            Peapods, cut in half
      1/2   c            Thinly sliced red onion
 
   In skillet, saute SPAM over high heat 2 minutes,
   stirring constantly; set aside. In small bowl, combine
   mayonnaise, lime juice, and dry mustard. In large
   bowl, combine grapes, SPAM, peapods, and onion. Tos
   with mayonnaise mixture. Cover and chill 1 hour.

Chocolate Cupcakes with Flaming Strawberries

Yield:  About 20 cupcakes Cupcakes: 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour 1 1/2 cups sugar 1 1/2 tsp baking soda 3/4 tsp baking powder 3/4 tsp salt 2 eggs 3/4 cup hot water 3/4 cup heavy cream 3 tbsp canola or other vegetable oil 2 tsp vanilla extract Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin tin with cupcake papers and set aside. Sift together cocoa, flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt into a large bowl.  Add eggs, water, heavy cream, oil and vanilla.  Mix with a hand held mixer until smooth.  Divide batter among muffin cups, filling each half full.  Bake for 20 minutes.  Let cool before frosting. Frosting: 2 sticks softened butter 4 cups confectioners' sugar 4 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with whisk attachment, cream together sugar, cocoa and butter; beginning on low speed then increase to high.  Beat until fluffy and lightened in color.  Transfer mixture to a piping bag fitted with a decorative tip.  Frost cupcakes. Strawberries: 18-24 Strawberries - you'll need as many as you have cupcakes Vodka, rum, or your choice of liquor 80 proof or higher (use Bacardi 151 for fail-proof results) Hollow the strawberries carefully.  If you pierce the side of the strawberry accidentally, start with a new one.  Since you'll be setting the liquor aflame, it is important that your strawberry is leak-proof. Set one strawberry atop each frosted cupcake.  Fill strawberries with liquor just before lighting (see tips).  If you need to light them all at once, (say, for a party) use a turkey baster to quickly fill all the strawberries and a grill lighter in lieu of matches. Notes for flaming strawberries: Any alcohol below 80 proof will not light well.  I used 80 proof and got a nice blue flambe'. Note: some have had trouble getting 80 proof to ignite - lots of people are recommending Bacardi 151 as a fail-safe.   You can add a little sugar to the inside of the strawberry to sweeten things up. However, the flame seems to last longer without the addition of sugar. Make sure to use a liquor that you like.  Vodka is a good choice if you want very little flavor. Alcohol evaporates, so light the strawberry soon after you spoon the liquor in.  Do I have to say it?  Probably not, but my conscience will not let me go without.  Do not attempt to eat a flaming strawberry.  It's a relatively short burn time, lasting about 30 seconds to 1 minute. So, enjoy but be careful.  Use your noodle. www.sprinklebakes.com/2011/01/chocolate-cupcakes-with-flaming.html

Pizza Sliders

If  you can only find Italian sausage in link form, just slice through the casing and squeeze the sausage into a bowl before mixing with the pepperoni.  You can, of course, use any slider bun for these, but the pizza dough makes these really special.

12 pizza dough buns (see recipe below)
Marinara sauce (homemade or store-bought)
1 ½ lbs spicy Italian sausage
Several slices pepperoni, chopped
Mozzarella cheese (fresh mozzarella or grated)
12 leaves of fresh basil

Mix the chopped pepperoni and Italian sausage together.  Form into patties about 1 ½ inches in diameter.  Cook the sausages on a large griddle or skillet sprayed with nonstick cooking spray for about 6 minutes.  Turn the sausages and then top with the mozzarella cheese, covering with a lid to help melt the cheese.  Alternately, after they are cooked, you can place them in the microwave for a few seconds to melt the cheese.

While the patties are cooking, slice the buns in half and spread some of the marinara sauce on each half.  Place the sausage pattie on the bottom half, top with a basil leaf and then the top half of the bun.  Serve immediately.

Pizza Dough Slider Buns

1 lb of pizza dough (store-bought or homemade)
Olive oil

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees

Spray a muffin tin with nonstick cooking spray

Slice the dough into small-ish pieces and form into balls about 1 3/4  inches in diameter.  Roll the balls in olive oil to completely coat and then place in the muffin tins, cover with a towel and let them rise for about ½ hour.

Bake for 8-10 minutes or until lightly golden brown and puffy.  Remove from the pan and let cool before slicing.

http://circle-b-kitchen.squarespace.com/food-and-recipes/2011/6/19/pizza-sliders.html

It's Not Them, It's Me

I've come to the conclusion that my depression is not anyone's fault. I realized it's not the people making me miserable, it's my lack of people, and things to do ...that is the cause. Smile often. Just smile for no reason.