Where are you now?

http://www.news8000.com/news/Homeless-man-found-dead-near-downtown-La-Crosse/-/326/17654600/-/7b9oug/-/index.html

As I came across this news article today, I'd been thinking for the last month or two about researching for a better opportunity for the homeless and diseased individuals who need help. A lot of them turn to the Salvation Army, who openly discriminates against homosexual individuals and people that have addictions. These are the two types of people that need the most help, in my opinion. A lot of the LGBT community start out as homeless teenagers that have been shunned and turned away from home and family because of lack of understanding. I've already decided that I'm going to school to be a psychiatrist specifically for teenagers that have issues at home. Adolescents that have trouble identifying themselves. I want to be able to help them. Turn them in the right directions. Encourage them not to give up.
The same goes for those who suffer addictions. Alcoholism, drugs, etc.; even smoking, if they want help quitting. I want to help them see that there really is good in this world still. And I want them to be a part of it. I want them to become educated and happy and live a prosperous life. Stand up to the oppressors and be proud of the strong individual that you've become. We are all alone, therefore, we are all together.
Come to me, I will feed you. If you are cold, I will wrap my arms around you and share my warmth. If you smell, I will give you some soap and show you the warm showers. :)
I've started to learn simple herbal medicine that helps those who are poor and it's really easy to treat things like an earache from being out in the cold too long or a fever that just needs to be medicated and nourished properly. Don't have medical coverage? I'm going to raise money to pay for that stupid hospital bill, just try not to over do it, because money is unfortunately an object and we have your brothers and sisters to take care of too. You're all my children. You're all God's children. He may seem silent, but he speaks  through all of us on occasion. You just need to listen.

One Love.

Three Years.

Missing my big brother a lot lately. I remember, if I had a problem, I could talk to him about anything and he always made sense when giving advice. I just kinda wonder what he'd think about everything I've been through for the last three years. I've become a more mature person in general and have a bigger outlook on life thanks to him. Thanks, Corey. I love you, Bub.

Pumpkin Pie Milkshakes

 


Ingredients & Measurements:

2 cups Vanilla Ice Cream

1/2 cup Milk
1/4 cup Cream or Half & Half
1 Tbsp Vanilla Extract
2/3 Pureed Pumpkin
1/2 Tbsp Pumpkin Pie Spice
1/3 Cup Graham Cracker Crumbs
2-3 oz. Bourbon
Frosting & Sprinkles

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instructions:
 

Add all ingredients to a blender until mixed well.
Rim glasses with a very light coating of frosting
and dip in sprinkles. Pour the
shake into the cup and sprinkle
cinnamon on top. Top with
whipped cream if you want & enjoy!

Life, You Suck.

I really hate being made to feel guilty. I hate when someone thinks I'm making up excuses when I'm not trying to... I just suck. Okay? Life sucks. I suck. Deal with it. I don't get out enough to spend time with my friends. I wish I lived in town. I want my friends to be able to come visit me whenever they want to and vice versa. I just need a little bit of money. A nice weekend job should do it. I can handle that, right? Right? I hope so. I really want to move so that I actually have that excuse that I am too far away or whatever. Ugh. At the same time, I don't want to be far away. It's all really... frustrating, really. I give up thinking for now.

Weekend in Wausau

Well, Thursday morning came and I still hadn't fallen asleep, I was too excited about the weekend on the motorcycles. I get a "friend request" from my Mother; apparently she had to make a new account for telling someone to fuck off on her status. The conversation went as follows:

Me- I'm curious so... why?
Her- Wasnt trying to add you stupid android touch phone. Tried to block you to give you yer seperateness. Obviously I suck at this new phone. So if you could/would reblock me
Me- Gladly.

My first thought after reading her message was, "seperateness"? What the fuck happened to your vocabulary? That isn't even a goddamned word! And then, THANK GOD, she didn't want to talk to me again. I almost had to give a fuck. *sigh* I don't think her and I will ever connect again. Oh, well. Oh, and I also was kind of mad because I wasted a panic pill on that false alarm. Better safe than sorry though, right?

Anyways, I never went to bed, so there was no "I woke up to an awesome breakfast". No, I went up to pee at about 7am and SMELLED amazing breakfast. Eggs... skillet style. Nom.

Got on the motorcycle, all clad in leather... and freezing my ass off about half way to Tomah. Not Tomahawk. TOMAH. Less than a fucking hour away on the interstate and I was huddled behind Nathan in a turtle position, shivering. My ass hurt. Half way on the stretch between Tomah and Nekoosa, I tapped his shoulder and signed the letters C-O-L-D. He got the message. It started to warm up a little near Wisconsin Rapids, though. I miss that place. I can't wait until our trip back when Nathan and I will stay behind and spend the rest of the day there. And then, I said "sweet Jesus" as we pulled into a Kwik Trip. I grabbed my happy ass a double mocha and got in the car with Mary for the rest of the trip.

Now that was where the trip got better with three words. Heated. Leather. Seats. All I needed after that was a freaking lap blankie and I was good to go. I took some pictures of our group of bikers ahead of us. Pretty nice shots. Evan is on his Honda Goldwing up front, Nathan on his Suzuki Blvd, and friends of Evan and Mary's on the Harley-Davidson in the back. Another friend with the same exact trike showed up alone. I hope to muster enough courage to as him for a ride.

After that, we went to the Harley-Davidson Shop in Wausau, saw loads of bikes and stuff and hopefully I will get something this weekend. Nathan loves me. More to come later!

Forgiveness Re-Examined

I've always liked this story and feel like I'm going to give forgiveness one more try. But first, the story, then my thoughts.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried pitifully for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

Now, to my thoughts. I try to put a time goal on trying to forgive my Mom and her family for what they all did. Most of me knows it's a much better idea to say fuck them all and move on. I'm making my own family. WITHOUT THEM. But there's that part of me that is sickeningly kindhearted and needs to keep the peace. I want to forgive them, but if I ever associate with them again, I will develop an irrational fear of being touched. So, am I willing to give up my sanity that I try so hard to keep as it is, just to keep the peace with people who don't see the world as I do, as a whole, that there is more to all of this than their greedy selves? Probably not. I think I'm done this time. I'm pretty sure it's over. Will I attend funerals? Yes. Will I cry? I don't know, actually. They feel dead to me as it is, I don't think it'll be much more than a little shock... if I cried, it'd be happy tears of final release. I don't like any of them right now. Cherryl and Carl always side with my mother and suffer if they don't. Same goes for my Grandparents. Might as well be the same for my Aunt Litza but they're kind of the same. Debra... failed faster than I did with starting college because she didn't listen to me. At all. Jennifer is still the little whore that she always will be. Deanna is a confused and sexual person that is in love with her homophobic best friend. The only three that I'm not sure of are Todd, Nathaniel and Cynthia. They're the only ones who keep silence. It's strange. And sad. I hope the best for them, but I doubt Cynthia will be much different from the rest of her family, sad as it sounds. Hopefully Nathaniel is losing more weight and becoming healthier and more productive. I hope Todd is smarter about his after high school plans and leaves far away to make his own life. I hope to run into him again on a bittersweet note. I hope all of the adults die soon from their drug, alcohol and depression problems. They're better off and the world is better off without filth like them. Will I ever forgive them for their shunning? I don't fucking think so.

Nails, claws, fashion.

 "You put water in a bowl and drop random colors of nailpolish in it. then you stir it with a toothpick and put petroleum jelly on your fingers, so that the nail polish only gets on your nails. then you stick your fingers in the bowl."





 






"Definitely something worth trying for a sophisticated look without going all Goth."

  




"A very pretty finish for  a bride's nails or just a good look with your pearls and diamonds."

  



"Totally buying some of these for an easy wait to get that french manicure for the price of your favorite bottle of  polish."

"I've always wanted this fade-transition for my nails. Now I know the dirty little secret."

Whiskey Caramel Marshmallow Bacon Bark

16 oz of semi-sweet chocolate
4 cups of mini marshmallows
1/4 cup whiskey

1 cup caramel (recipe follows)
8-10 slices spiced bacon crumble (recipe follows)

1) Place chocolate in a bain marie or in a heat-proof bowl above simmering water. Heat on low until chocolate is melted. Pour half of melted chocolate into parchement-lined pan. Then using an offset spatula, spread chocolate until smooth. Transfer pan to freezer to chill for about 5 minutes or until melted chocolate becomes solid.

2) Place marshmallows in a large saucepan and heat until marshmallows starts to just melt and forms web-like strands when stirred. (See picture). Remove from heat and add in 5 tablespoons of whiskey; stir to combine. Spread marshmallow mixture over solid chocolate layer. (To easily spread the marshmallow to an even layer, spray offset spatula with non-stick spray.)

3) Pour caramel on top of marshmallow layer. Then, using an offset spatula, spread caramel until smooth. Transfer pan to freezer to chill for about 5 minutes or until caramel becomes slightly hardened. Pour remaining half of chocolate over caramel layer and, using an offset spatula, spread chocolate until smooth. Sprinkle and gently press bacon crumble into chocolate, Return fully assembled bark to refrigerator to chill for 20 minutes or until bark becomes solid. Bring bark to almost room temperature before cutting.

BACON CRUMBLE:
8-10 slices bacon
1/4 cup sugar
4 tablespoon water
1 egg white
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/8 teaspoon cayenne

1) Cook bacon and set aside to cool completely. Once cooled, coarsely crumble bacon with hand; set aside and heat oven to 300 degrees F.

2) Place sugar and water in a pot and heat until sugar is dissolved. Toss crumbled bacon in sugar syrup to coat. Pass coated bacon through a strainer to drain excess sugar syrup.

3) Add egg white to a bowl and beat until fluffy and foamy. Add in black pepper and cayenne. Whisk to combine. Add in crumbled bacon and toss to coat.

4) Spread coated, crumbled bacon on a parchment lined baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool, then crumble bacon one last time.

CARAMEL FILLING:
1 cup sugar
4 tablespoons water
4 tablespoon butter
7 tablespoon heavy cream

Add sugar and water into a saucepan over medium low heat. Stir until sugar has dissolved. Use a wet brush to remove any crystals that form on the side. Once sugar has dissolved increase heat to high. Now and then, using the handle, give the pot a swirl to keep the mixture moving. Do not stir the mixture directly. The mixture will start to bubble after a minute. As the mixture darkens to a medium amber color, approximately 5-7 minutes, add the butter and heavy cream to saucepan. The mixture will bubble wildly. Whisk to combine (bubbles will subside upon cooling). Set aside to cool completely.

Makes 1 8×8 pan | Preparation: Line pan with parchment or wax paper with a one-inch overhang on each side.

Autumn Brittle

1 cup almonds
1 cup cashews
3/4 cup pumpkin seeds

2/3 cup dried cranberries
2 1/4 cups sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1 cup water
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. butter

1) Heat the sugars, honey, water and salt in a large pot over a low-medium flame. Use a pot that is larger than you would think necessary because when the mixture begins to boil it will foam up and increase in size. Stir every five minutes or so. Using a candy thermometer, continue to heat the mixture until it reaches a temperature of exactly 302 degrees Fahrenheit. This is very important because this is the temperature at which sugar hardens into a rock-like state after it cools. Pay close attention not to go very far above 302, otherwise you will burn the sugar. It can take up to an hour for the mixture to reach that high of a temperature, so don't get too worried if 15 minutes go by and the thermometer is still at 175.

2) While the sugar mixture is boiling, place a sheet of parchment paper on top of a shallow pan, about 9 x 13 inches in width and length, and grease the parchment paper. Set aside. Once the sugar mixture reaches 302, immediately remove it from heat and stir in the butter, cashews, almonds, pumpkin seeds and dried cranberries until they're coated in the mixture.

3) Immediately pour the mixture onto the parchment paper and spread it out into a large rectangle using a rubber spatula. Try to keep the surface relatively even and about 1 inch in height. Place the pan in the refrigerator and allow the brittle to cool for one hour.

4) Once it has finished cooling, remove the sheet of brittle from the parchment paper and break the brittle into pieces using a meat tenderizer or clean hammer. Arrange the pieces on a serving platter and serve. Store excess brittle in a cool dry place.

Country Fried Peach Pies

Ingredients:
2-¼ cups All-purpose Flour

1 teaspoon Salt
½ cups Lard Or Shortening
½ cups Milk (more Or Less)
1 can Peach Pie Filling (Or Other Fruit), 21 Ounce Can
1 cup Oil, For Frying
1 whole Egg, Beaten With A Splash Of Water

Directions:
To make the crust: Mix together flour and salt with a whisk. Cut in the lard using a pastry cutter until the mixture looks crumbly. Mix in the milk until a ball of dough is formed.

On a floured surface, roll out the dough to 1/8″ thick.

Using a salad bowl or something else about 6 ” in diameter, cut out as many discs of dough as you can.

To make pies: Spoon a large dollop of pie filling into each disc, leaving about an inch of dough all the way around.

Brush the edges with egg wash and fold dough over. Seal the edges with a fork and poke a hole in the middle of the pie so it can vent.

Heat oil in a large skillet. When oil is hot (you’ll know when a drop of water of dough sizzles), fry each pie until both sides are golden brown, about 2-3 minutes per side. Drain on paper towels.

Serve hot, cold, or room temperature and enjoy!

Rainbow Jell-O Cups

Directions:
You’ll need one small box of jello for each color you want… so in this case, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. And one large tub of cool whip.

Prepare purple (or whatever color you want on the bottom) jello as directed, using the “quick chill” method, meaning add some ice. Pour jello into glasses, (or a 9′x13′ baking dish sprayed lightly with cooking spray), reserving about 1/3 of the liquid jello. Put glasses, or dish in the refrigerator and chill for 15-30 minutes, or until slightly set. Mix about 1/3 cup of cool whip into the remaining purple jello. Pour the jello/cool whip mixture on top of the slightly set purple jello already in the glasses (or dish).

Repeat process for each color.

I’ve seen recipes that use sour cream, or yogurt in place of the cool whip, so feel free to do that if it saves you a trip to the store.

Once set, top with some additional cool whip and sprinkles if desired.

Opera and Sunshine

I've recently lapsed out of depression a little more by pushing myself out of my "safe zones". I went to watch an opera workshop and it was quite an experience. I've listened before, obviously, but to be there is something different altogether. Two days ago, it was raining but I went for a walk all on my own for the first time in ages. Not only did I just leave, but I just kept walking... for 4.5 miles. crazy. The next day I asked a friend to give me a random workout. I'll try to do this from now on. Yesterday was jumpingjacks. Today is situps. (I'll do more later) and tomorrow is to yet be decided. I feel better being out in public with my friends. People I know. I don't feel alone... I'm alright in the woods on my own apparently. I did fine on that walk until I hit "civilization". Oh god, am I becoming a hermit like my mother? No. No. No. I love company. That makes me different. I love company, hosting get togethers, cooking, so on... I am completely different, thank you very much. I notice that I write my blogs in a sense like I'm talking to myself. It's very interesting. Someday, I can come back and read all this... probably thinking "wow, I was a real basketcase back then". Maybe I still will be. :)

You know what sucks?

When you want to do something that you usually do and at the same time, you don't want to at all.
You think you're tired, but you know you're not going to fall asleep any time soon.
Remembering the smell of someone that you wish you never had to remember ever again.
You're hungry and can't bring yourself to eat anything.
You want to smile or laugh and it just seems impossible.
To walk out in the sun... but you sleep all day.
Life.
Live it.

Just Close Your Eyes...

I often think about people getting offended about things and I can't help but wonder why I don't get offended so easily. Of course, it depends on the topic given, but there really are few that I'm touchy with. Even so, they're more personal than say, big level like, homosexuality. When I say "well, that's gay", it's because something sucks. That's how I was raised, I don't really have a quarrel with the idea of someone else saying it. I'm bisexual, but I don't let that define me. Someone does a shitty park job. "must be a woman driver." Hilarious. So are the kitchen jokes. Why? Because I'm not actually a terrible driver, and I suck ass in the kitchen. They don't define me. White jokes. I wish there were more, quite honestly. Even the ones that I relate to are fucking funny. Disabilities... depending how hardcore the joke is... eh. I'm hard of hearing, so all those are good with me. Like I said. Doesn't define me. What makes me? Start talking shit about my friends and family. That should do it. Yep.

Inevitable

It seems to be a trend in my life where, people leave... I replace them... kind of... not really. Three people that I'm terrified will leave me and one already has. The other two promise they never will... and I only believe one of them. I've never had close friends. I'm not even sure why I don't focus a whole lot on friendships. I just don't. People irritate me too easily unless they're just... I don't know... Maybe, I'm jealous? I know that much. I was jealous when my Mom started dating Gary in the first place. Now look where that is. I'm jealous that my best friend is... well... best friends with someone else now. Soon... she'll have more people to keep her occupied and won't need me much at all.

I think about moving a lot. I want to move again. I want to start over, kind of. I'm looking for that next dead drop that has all of the information I'm looking for in it. Ugh. Yes, this is a piss and moan entry. Do I give a fuck? Um... wait, I see it... there it--nope, it's gone now.

I hate depression.

Even more... I hate being a depressed introvert. Loneliest fucking type of person, take it from me. If I didn't have Nathan, quite honestly, I would either be in a different country like I planned before by now. Only because I don't care for the idea of taking my life. What the hell was the point of me whining on a daily basis, if I'm gonna do that shit?

I just want my life back. I almost had it... almost... I kinda have it... kinda...

Maybe I need to get out more.

I miss my Mommy.

You know what a big part of healing is? Apologizing and forgiveness. I'm sorry to my Mom for all the pain and trouble I've caused her. And I'm working on forgiving her. That takes time. And even when I get there, I don't think I'll want her in my life anymore anyways. Yes. She may have her faults, but that doesn't mean I haven't any. I know that's a hard thing to accept from most of my loved ones' perspectives. That's because I only talk about the bad times. It's easy to tear apart someone by listing their worst flaws. She was there for me during my first two suicidal attempts. The first was about my Dad. He-- I was upset about him neglecting us. It was upsetting more when I was younger than it is now. Maybe. Maybe I just know how to handle it better now. I wrote something about wanting to end it all. She drove me for an hour all the way where we lived at the time to La Crosse because she didn't know what to do. I've never seen her so scared. She was running red lights at 2am, screaming at other drivers. She gets really crazy when she's angry. The other time was after I moved back with them. I had no will to get up, eat, nothing. I was lifeless. And when I called her before that, she was there as soon as she could. Something tells me she'd do it again. But I don't want to try anymore. That piece of my heart is shattered and crushed. There's no repairing that. When she dies, I'll probably wish I had said something. Wish I had done some things different. Wish she was still there. I can't help it. I love my mom. I really do. It's the most painful thing in the world, losing someone so close. I miss my mommy. It hurts so much. I think what hurts most is that, for once, I know that there is no possibility of me being in the wrong this time. And I wish there was. Because at least, if I was wrong, I can admit it and being around them again. Hug them. Tell them I love them. Hear about their lives. My mom and brother were the top people in my life for the first 20 years of it all. Technically, minus 4 for my brother. All in conclusion, I'm healing. I'm getting there. I cry. I talk. I think. I move on. I don't need them anymore to live. They don't need me.

My Love Life in Sense

Two things strange I have noticed about love. The senses of touch and scent. Sometimes, when I brush my fingers across his skin, I feel a legit vibrating buzz nothing like I've felt before. It's not like a vibrating phone... or touching an electric fence. It's completely different and unique. And his scent... when it's just him and I cuddle up to him... he smells like pancake and waffle syrup. <3

Lychee Saketini Poptail

· 1 ½ cup limeade
· ¾ cup sake
· 16oz lychee, peeled and seeded (approximately 20-22 regular size lychees)
· 8 oz honeydew, pureed (approximately ¼ of a regular size honeydew)
· Optional: Raspberries to garnish

1. Place limeade, sake, lychee and honeydew in a food processor or blender and process or blend until pureed, about 1-2 minutes. Pour mixture through a medium strainer.

2. Pour strained mixture into popsicle forms —add raspberries now if you are garnishing the popsicles—and freeze for about 2 hours or until mixture starts to solidify enough to hold a popsicle stick upright.

3. Insert popsicle sticks and finish freezing popsicles overnight.

4. To release popsicles run hot water on the outside of popsicle molds for a 2-3 seconds.

Cherry Apple Whiskey Sour Poptails

Makes eight 2-and-1/4-oz. popsicles

· 3 cups cherries (weighing 1lb)
· 1 large green apple (weighing 6oz)
· 1 lime (weighing 3 1/2oz)
· 1 cup whiskey
· ½ cup of sweet and sour mix (homemade recipe follows)

1. Pit cherries; set aside. Peel away apple and lime skin and cut fruit into quarters.

2. Place all ingredients in a food processor or blender and process until mixture is pureed. Mixture will be thick.

3. Pour mixture into popsicle forms and freeze for about 2 hours or until mixture starts to solidify enough to hold a popsicle stick upright. Insert popsicle sticks and finish freezing popsicles overnight. To release popsicles run hot water on the outside of popsicle molds for a 2-3 seconds.



Sweet and Sour Mix
· 1/2 cup water
· 1/2 cup sugar
· 1 cup lemon juice

1. Place sugar and water in a sauce pan and heat until sugar dissolves. Add lemon juice and stir to combine. Set aside to cool before using.

Black Nights

I never had a moment like that. I actually had a feeling get away from me that was one I always ignored, one that needed to be relieved. Well it wanted to end me tonight. I spend eight fucking years keeping that at bay, so why the fuck would I give in now? I've done more than grown since then. I have the willpower to do what I please and not give in.

Asshole

I tend to think that I'm a complete asshole sometimes. On the contrary, it's everyone else in my past that thinks they can just waltz back into my life without a sorry or remember when. Oh, you want me to come visit while you're thirty years drunk? No thanks, I remember the abuse and neglect in my past twenty. I think that tends to make me pity people who drink a lot so much less... I know that people can build a willpower. Build it on whatever the fuck you want: faith in God, love for your family, strength of your friendships, height of passion for your talents... same goes for any addiction. You want me to come back but still call me a liar? No thanks. Twenty years of hate, spite and lies on your part was enough for me. I plan on making my own family from here on out. My life. My husband. My children. My sister. My family. The rest of you who ever fucked me over when I gave everything can go fuck off. I pity only your weakness, and I pray that God has mercy on your soul.

Remembering love when we planted it...

Constant reminder why I love you hovering over my head,
Why I can't stop watching you, why I'll never leave your bed
You're made for me as much as I, for you and anyone else who thinks different
Is a damn fool.
I hate rhyming, but every time I start a poem it's become natural
I can't keep from doing anything else because it's so habitual.
Okay okay, I'll stop.
This is supposed to be me telling you about my feelings toward you or something like that
I was actually reminded of when we first fell in love and all
I think it was more of a big deal when I learned you loved my cat.
Fuck!

End of poem. Yay.

I was reminded of when I first met Nathan. We were together with friends, bowling, and I didn't really think he was that interesting at first. I thought he was a stuck up guy that was probably a dick if I ever got to know him. I wasn't far off. Hehehe, he's perfect. A bit of a romantic at heart, sometimes. Like that time up on that ridge over looking La Crosse from La Crescent. Then he wrapped his arms around me while I looked at the night scene. We weren't dating yet. Ho no.

Then we'd been seeing each other and talking about anything and everything and my god, that man can get anything out of me. I'll sit there and debate if I want to tell him and he doesn't have to say a word because he just Knows that I'll tell him. Yeah, sometimes he does that whole thing where I'm about to tell him something and he says it before I get a chance to open my yap. Pisses me off beyond reason, but I contently love that about him.

I love when he isn't paying attention and he'll stare at whatever he's focusing on and if I watch him long enough, he'll glance over and be unable to suppress that goofy grin. I know everything that makes him smile. One person who never fails to make me laugh or smile, is that one, right there.

I love when he sleeps... he has a distinct snore... at first I didn't know he snored... then I began to feel it... now I get irritated if he isn't snoring. It's like that constant noise that a baby needs to go to sleep or keep calm. Haha. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I don't appreciate him breathing down my neck while he snores because it tickles, so I poke his lip and he sucks it in. hehehe

I love cooking for him even though he usually ends up taking over with a lot of it. Doesn't bother me any. I don't quite know how to grill yet. I think he secretly enjoys feeding me. :)

I remember when we were hanging out in his truck in front of my old house, like we did countless times, and I was laying on his lap, biting my lip, wondering if I should tell him that I have feelings for him. It should've been obvious that we both did. We acted like we were dating and he said before that he didn't feel the need to rush anything. He even didn't mind being the fuck buddy. haha.
I have butterflies in my stomach a little from remembering this moment that we decided, "hey, I like you... do you like me? because we kinda pretty much act like we're an item so... why don't we put one of those label things on it?" It was a stupid corny conversation like that and we just agreed to be together from then on. It was 10/11/2011, sometime in the late PM hours.

I find myself to be a truthful person for the most part. I just hate the idea of lying or being lied to. I feel like my life has been a big fat lie since the one person that has been there the longest broke her 20 year old promise. 20 year old lie, is what it was. Now I find myself remembering things that I lied to other people about, and I tell him, instead. Things other people don't know about me. This man, literally, knows me. Even shit my mother never knew, my best friend now and before knew, my brother and cousins, all of the people I know, put together-- he knows more than all of them. And I feel that having that feeling is the most important feeling in the world and the biggest indicator that this is it. He's the one. There is no and will never be no other. I will literally die from a broken heart if this fails. He knows that and assures me that it will never be like that. No broken hearts. Never.
He's on a mission to reconstruct my heart and mind to 100% and he's doing fantastic. I love him for that. For all of it. He is the most fantastic person and best friend I've ever had.

I have been lacking in faith as of late and this entire blog, I went without overpowering emotion, but knowing that it's true... if you want it bad enough, you're gonna get it. I wanted this more than anything in the world. He is perfect to me. I cannot imagine life without him in it. I just can't. Won't. Simply don't Want to because... fuck you.


Potato.

My Last Conversation With My Mother.

• Jess Taylor

  • So, I think I'm one of the last people you'd expect to message you at midnight and I honestly don't know if you care to read what I have to say, but depending how things go, I might not disappear again.
    I just want to get it out there that I find Jennifer's new relationship with Dustin who is not only 24 years old, but her cousin's ex-fiance, a little more than disturbing. Please tell me you're not okay with this, because if anyone is, I have lost all fucking faith in the humanity of this family and want absolutely nothing to do with it.
• March 12

  Aletta Tibbles

  • Ok I just got it bizarre. And I know this is weird for you but it will last until you tell her all the stories about him. And it has to come from you not me. I didn't want her dating Josh Perrigo lil druggie and thief so I told her Dustin was better than Josh at least you can talk her out of this one. She thinks she has to have a man and here's me shaking my head at her. Crazy girl she's real hurt by Max breaking up w her n Dustin is rebound is all. I have faith in you to talk her out of it and I love you too always will no matter what even when you've done shit you shouldn't have. And I gotta tell ya you need to apologize b4 I talk any more to ya ok. Bcoz what ya did was wrong and it still hurts
• March 12

  Jess Taylor

  • haha I can tell her all about Josh too for that matter. we dated for a little while when I was living with shyrah. not something I'm proud of.
  • And honestly, we've both done things we shouldn't have, you and I. What exactly I'm apologizing for I'm not too sure of though.

Level of Pain

You know that personality, that usually the most emotional types have, where they try to make people smile, laugh, or simply feel better because those emotions end up affecting their own? I have that really hard.

I have spent my life so far, making others happy, before myself. A lot of them don't realize it. It's just instinct for me. My friend is upset, I be rational about the situation and still try to make them cheer up. If someone's hurt, I try to help them feel better. 

What about me? What about when I feel hurt... empty... useless... or distraught? I never ask that... "what about me"... it always sounds so selfish. But sometimes, I can't help it. :( 

Sometimes all it takes is someone having a bad day and snapping at me for me to break down like it's the end of the world. Then what? I sit here. Blog. Cry. Cry until I feel okay again. 

I don't understand where things went wrong in my life... why I don't enjoy leaving home... why I get anxious at the thought of leaving home... why I worry so much about things, but could care less what happens to me.

I appreciate that I have people who care. Some people don't have that. But this isn't about other people who have it worse. I don't give a shit. I'm not having a good time and I want to get better. 

I don't get to go cry to my mommy because she thinks I'm insane and wants me to bend to her will and be okay with her selfless husband attempting to make out with me and grabbing my ass. No thanks.

I can't go cry to my daddy because he's an alcoholic and really isn't all there. Not to mention, years of neglect kind of makes me less comfortable around him. 

I can't really go to any of my family because they either side with my mother or I've never been able to see them much when I was younger. 

I literally have no one in family anymore. 

So I've made my own. Unfortunately, making your own family means that it's like a bunch of hedgehogs in a box. You wanna cuddle to keep warm but your quills end up hurting each other and so you have to keep your distance. 

Someday, I'm hoping to be able to blog about my happy life. 

Someday.
I'll start by watching some comedy. Can't go wrong with comedy and comfort food.

How To Love

Click this for the Story behind the song...

I've always liked this song since I first heard it and until now, never caught onto the story behind the acting. I can attest that this song strikes some painful chords in one's past, mine especially, and I just want to point out that people overcome hardships like this every day. Honestly? If it weren't for Emi and her family taking me in when I was kicked to the curb and for Nate loving me unconditionally, I'd probably be in the worst of situations... the ones nobody likes talking about but you see it on the news anyway. I'm not exactly thriving in life at the moment, but I'm happy and that counts for more than most can account for. <3 Thanks everyone who's ever been there for me in every and any little way.

Crying Away The Last of My Pain

I'm not sure why the tears are rolling down my cheeks right now but I feel so overwhelmed right now... I never realized how much I love Nathan. The thought of losing him kills me inside. The image of his smile or silly gestures makes me smile and cry even harder. Oh, Lord. I'm beginning to sweat. Or I'm just really warm. To think that in less than a week, I'll have been with the man for six months. I've never had a serious argument with him, never been angry with him, never had him angry with me, never felt cheated or less than what I'm worth.
To think... that I had specific plans to leave my life behind without a word to anyone before that night he took me up on the ridge to look at La Crosse from an amazing view... yeah, that moment will be with me forever. I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I tried everything because there was no way, in my mind, that there was a perfect man. I even tried blaming it on his teeth at one point but it didn't friggin' work. I will always love this man, as I always have.

What Harry Potter means to me?

I was asked by a friend in a role-play group for her final college project  to write about what Harry Potter means to me. I wrote the following on the group wall today: 


Harry Potter, has been like Alice in Wonderland to me. It was a world to escape to. A world unlike any other, yet, very similar to our own. Fighting the evil bullies in our society, not matter their level, it was encouraging to know that anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. So many important life lessons, friendship lessons, love lessons... lessons on how to keep hope. That one scene when Dumbledore dies and everyone raises their wands to banish the dark mark always tugs at my heartstrings. That is true unity. Whether you believe in a higher power, or a common idea, or simply support the same person who lead you toward the light, there is a strong sense of brother and sisterhood. Of family. I don't really have much of a family anymore as my mother is a recovering drug addict that has gone off the edge and thinks I'm insane and my dad is an alcoholic who doesn't care about anything except the next bottle he buys. I can't speak with my own brother and the rest of my mother's family has pretty much disowned me and vice versa. I've never been close to my dad's family because my mother didn't want us to be after the divorce. Like I said, as far as blood family goes, I got nothing. So, like Harry, I've made my own family. I have a few choice close friends that I keep close. I have the love of my life with me and we plan to make a bigger family someday. Not to mention, I've become rather attached to his own family. Yes, I will read Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter to my kids. And when they're a little older, they can watch the movies, too. 

People These Days

I have three types of people who bother me as of late. One is the person who tells everyone they're in a relationship and refuse to tell who that other person is because they don't want drama. What, that person isn't worth the drama? My significant other sure as hell is! I'll go to the tops of buildings and shout out that I fucking love him endlessly. Took me two months of knowing him, sure, but it's there. It's not the same for everyone. Some take longer. Some take what seems like no fucking time at all, get a look at the goods and decide it's all good. I'm shaking my damn head. Ugh.
Second type of person is the person who complains about the gun laws. First of all, I support the 2nd amendment and won't think twice before I shoot anyone who's a physical threat to myself or others. I might even shoot at them if they're attempting to rob me or won't get the hell of my property. Nathan, if you're reading this, a nice shot gun will be a perfect housewarming gift for me. Sure, it's short range, but I noticed that people piss themselves when a loaded double-barrel is aimed at them. Anyway, these articles about defenseless young black men being shot (I'm being specific because that's ALL the media reports lately) is getting a little out of hand. I'm sure there are people all over the place getting shot because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time or doing something they shouldn't. We'll never know for sure because hey, they're dead. But please, type of person number 2, please know the fucking difference between 'defenseless' and 'unarmed'. There is a big fucking difference. Need I say more?
Oh yeah, type three. The female friend or relative of yours that thinks she needs a man in her life to make her happy. Literally, YESTERDAY, I was told that she didn't need a man in her life (she's straight, so I won't get into the gay talk for this blog) and she thinks her friends are silly for thinking she needed one to be happy. I couldn't agree more, and inb4 you call me a hypocrite; yes, I am happily taken by a man. But, before he and I got together, I was finally past that awful phase where I thought I needed a man. I didn't need a man, but holy hell did I need a penis. So, I had a fuck buddy. There is a difference there, too. Now, I have a man, penis AND a vibrator! AND tits (my own)!  Sorry, t.m.i.
But anyway, she gets online and is like 'guess what?' and I'm sitting here hoping she finally has a fucking place instead of couch surfing with her stupid friends, but nooo, she has a boyfran now! Ooooh!!! Isn't it fucking glorious? Sure. Until you check out his record and find he has two counts of battery, 2 counts of disorderly conduct, and bail jumping--which, at 18 (oh yeah, he's 18) implies that he has charges against him from when he was a minor. Lovely. Oh wait, there's more. Resisting or obstructing an officer. And another bail jumping. Oh there is more... two more disorderly conduct charges, FIVE more bail jumping (can't this kid keep his fucking nose clean or what?) and another obstructing an officer charge. All in his 18th year! What a goddamn winner we have here! Lord, what am I gonna do with this girl... most I can do is wait and see.
So yeah. People, goddamn.

Curing Suicide

Sounds like an oxymoron: "curing suicide". I know, battling depression for as long as I have, and at such a young age, it's taken a lot of willpower to keep my eyes open. I've been wanting to die for years now, and to this day, I still feel like ending life as I know it for the selfish reason that I feel like there's no more in my life. I've lost a lot, I've tried and failed at so many things. People... I fucking hate people sometimes. Suicide is a way to get attention. People who say that shit make people like me not tell others the truth. I don't know how many doctors or people I love that I have lied to because I don't want attention. I hate being center of attention. That's why I don't talk much in groups. Then, there are the people who say there's always someone worse off than you. Who gives a fuck? I don't go around undermining your fucking problems with my own, so let me deal with my own. I'm not even talking to anyone directly, just saying, in general, that I fucking hate people sometimes. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, saying I hate when people do this and that, when I've said it to people myself. But I feel like shit after I do because I know they don't want to hear that. I know I wouldn't. I want to know the cure to suicide. Suicide isn't just the act of taking your own life. It's the entire process of life deteriorating before your own eyes, the breaking down and demoralizing of your own self-image. The loss of willpower to keep up. Finally, you fall behind. You give in to the darkness, where you lack feelings. You eventually lose the ability to cry. You can't move your face to make an expression other than pain and the occasional automatic blinking. Sometimes you just don't want to be alive and don't have the energy to off yourself so you just fucking sleep all the time. It is what it is. I have my own personal cure now. It's kept me alive for years and I've achieved so much. I remember the good in my life. There ARE happy memories. There IS good in everyone. I'm a natuaral optimist who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I'm also HOH (hard-of-hearing) and possibly ADD. I'm homeless, jobless after being fired a month ago, I don't have a relationship with either of my divorced parents, and I am having a fucking fun time getting foodstamps and disability insurance, if not income. That about sums the ongoing shit in my life. I also have a loving best friend who, along with her amazing family, opened their doors to me and welcome me to their home. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me with no bounds and his family, too, has opened their doors to me. I may not have my own biological family to talk to all the time because I pretty much hate the fucking majority of them, but I have some of them left. That, and I have all these amazing people that I keep in my heart forever. I do what I can for them. Someday, I'll be all better. Someday, I can look back on these days and be thankful for the help I got from all these people. Still confused on how you cure suicide. You know your cure if you're reading this whether you know it or not. Blessed are those who never had to or ever have to suffer. Blessed are those who fight and win. I wish I could speak for those who lost their battles but only God knows why.

Playing with mush

I can't seem to grasp onto something I want to do with my life and what about it is so important, exactly... I have the love of my life. He's important to me. I have my best friend. She is important to me. I love my family and their families are awesome. A lot of my family can go suck my hypothetical dick, though. I really wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire...
Taking a step back and three deep breaths, I have a cigarette craving.
I look at the thermometer. It's 31.2 degrees outside. Screw that. Unless I put pants on, hmm.
I've definitely got the having kids thing on hold. Got that shit on hold for over four years now. Marriage? Whenever he gets around to it. I love him either way, really. We're devoted to each other like we are married or something, and that's what matters most to me. A rare love. You can't find it because it happens on accident. Pure chance.
Let's talk career mode. Ugh. I want to do something that will keep me busy. I love being busy and having something to do, but on a scale of impossible to getting shit done, I want to be able to get shit done. I'm thinking... travel agent. And accounting and tax specialist. So much to do. I want to start now. I need to start now, before I go nuts OH MY GOD I need to get back into school before I go postal.
That is all. Good night.

Cutest thing in the world

I love when you're asleep, you look so relaxed.
You have at least 4 different positions you frequently like to be in,
I can fit into every one of them, comfortably.
You have a distinct snore and breathing pattern that reads 'Do not disturb',
And I let you dream away after a kiss.
But cutest of all, I can tell when you're awake.
You move your feet, and I usually keep mine by yours, so we end up playing footsie.
I've never had someone who could make me smile daily, or turn my cheeks red with a single look.
It's a most loving feeling...
And then there's the color of your beautiful blue-green eyes when you open them after hours closed and look into mine.
It's times like this where I really don't care that I can't hear very well.
I'd die a little inside every day, if I couldn't see your face anymore.

I love him...

I love when I wake up and see your face still in that content state of dream or your crazy bed head surfing theChive...
I love that one time I knew I really liked you because you showed me the coolest view in town and wrapped your big arms around me... it was like a movie scene but a million times better because it was us...
I love when you sneak up behind me because the combined element of surprise and my excitement to see your face after work makes me H-A-P-P-Y...
I love sitting on the back of your motorcycle, feeling that wind and catching the scenery...
I feel like I have two taste palates to keep track of because I automatically know what I like and what you like and no onions on McDonald's burgers...
I love playing footsie with you because you still like it even in your sleep...
I love when you run your fingers through my hair and cuddle the shit out of me until I fall asleep...
I love cuddling the shit out of you and running my fingers through your hair until you sleep...
I love petting your face... hehehe...
I love kissing you...
I love you...

Depressed... not so much anymore?

I surprise myself sometimes. It's been over a week with me and the medication and I think it's significantly improving my overall mood. That alone makes me a happier person. I have emotions. I got so pissed off today instead of sad and mopey about it. I was almost willing to talk to my mother today. Didn't happen because my cousin and her mother thought it was their God-given right to stick their nose where the sun don't shine. If my mom really thought about it, she raised me like she is now, except my priorities are a little more different. Hell, my whole life is different. But, I'm not going to let someone tell me that I'm living my life wrong simply because it's not how they did it. I have no excuse? Don't undermine my strength with your pitiful weakness, lady. You have no right to judge me and I refuse to give you the satisfaction that you have done anything but piss me off and make me not want to be a part of that so-called family even more. Your daughter is a bit like you, lately. Typical. Brown noser AND a slut. Quite fitting, I suppose. I discovered that my little cousin is bi. I always had a feeling she would turn out lesbian or bi. Either I'm the most trustworthy relative she has or she has awesome gaydar, confiding to her bi cousin. Fitting, I suppose. I love her all the same and support her unconditionally. I'm just a bit concerned about her coming out in her high school years. That can't be easy. I'll do what I can for her though. I will always love that little girl with all my damned heart. It'd tear me apart to hear her being bullied by kids at school or her own family... I can't imagine my rage, but I'll try to keep a cool head.
So, I started talking to my best friend tonight and she told me that she accidentally got soda on my laptop and was freaking out about it all evening and my initial reaction was like... slight-no, mild disappointment. It was so lame for an emotion. I'm used to RAGE over stupid, trivial things like material possessions. That's anxiety for ya, I guess. I haven't felt this normal in SO long. I used to get over things within the minute it happened. Oh, you broke my crayon? Bitch. Let's go get another one. (lol) But seriously, then I just kinda did that whole count to ten thing before I say anything and think about it. It wasn't THAT bad. Not to mention I didn't pay for it anyway. I like that my meds make me better in the head. Sounds like I'm a crazy person. Oh well, maybe I am, but it's a good crazy.

Mushroom Bacon Breakfast Strata

Prep Time: 20 Minutes  |  Cook Time: 20 Minutes  |  Difficulty: Easy  |  Servings: 12

Ingredients

• 10 slices Bacon, Cut Into 1/2" Pieces
• 12 whole White Mushrooms, Sliced
• 8 whole Eggs Beaten
• 1/2 cup Half-and-half
• Salt And Pepper, to taste
• 4 ounces, weight Cream Cheese
• 1/2 cup Grated Cheddar Cheese
• 10 ounces, weight Stacy's Simply Naked Pita Chips

Preparation Instructions

Fry bacon pieces in a large skillet until done but not overly crispy. Drain on a paper towel, pour grease from skillet. Add mushrooms to skillet (don’t clean skillet first) and cook until done.

Mix eggs, half-and-half, salt, and pepper.

Arrange pita chips in an 8 x 11-inch baking dish. Slightly press to flatten. Tear pieces of cream cheese and evenly distribute over the top of chips. Distribute mushrooms and bacon over the top of this, followed by the cheddar cheese. Pour egg mixture evenly over all ingredients.

Place into the fridge for several hours of overnight (makes a handy breakfast casserole!), then bake at 325 degrees for 20 minutes or until eggs are set. Cut into squares and serve immediately. Enjoy!

Note: Add sausage and peppers!