Just One of Them Days

It's just one of them days, where I just wanna cry, just wanna die. Just one of them days where I can't take the pain but there's no one to blame...
It's just one of them days where I get a little empty inside, can't make much sense out of what I'm thinking, always dreamin'...
It's just one of them days where I wanna shut down, no point in going back, don't dare turn around...
It's just one of them days so hell-bent and spiteful, killing me in turn, no warning or kind whisper...
Don't tell me it gets better, only I can decide that...
Don't worry about me, it's just one of them days.

Thoughts on the Validity of Friendships

 I keep my friends like this: If they are, in any way, what I would like to be like, I keep them. They are my motivation, my pride, my love. Once they show an ugly side, like close mindedness, or something I vow to never come into my life, we tend to grow apart, whether I like it or not. Fools will be fools. Don't let them fool you twice.  And it's the friends that you can joke around with about anything that are worth keeping forever. :)

Karma. It ebbs and flows...

I spend a lot of my time lately thinking about how hungry I am, how to kill this bastard on Skyrim, how to maneuver my next sneak attack on my boyfriend's feet, and how I'm going to spend the following day.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.