You know what sucks?

When you want to do something that you usually do and at the same time, you don't want to at all.
You think you're tired, but you know you're not going to fall asleep any time soon.
Remembering the smell of someone that you wish you never had to remember ever again.
You're hungry and can't bring yourself to eat anything.
You want to smile or laugh and it just seems impossible.
To walk out in the sun... but you sleep all day.
Life.
Live it.

Just Close Your Eyes...

I often think about people getting offended about things and I can't help but wonder why I don't get offended so easily. Of course, it depends on the topic given, but there really are few that I'm touchy with. Even so, they're more personal than say, big level like, homosexuality. When I say "well, that's gay", it's because something sucks. That's how I was raised, I don't really have a quarrel with the idea of someone else saying it. I'm bisexual, but I don't let that define me. Someone does a shitty park job. "must be a woman driver." Hilarious. So are the kitchen jokes. Why? Because I'm not actually a terrible driver, and I suck ass in the kitchen. They don't define me. White jokes. I wish there were more, quite honestly. Even the ones that I relate to are fucking funny. Disabilities... depending how hardcore the joke is... eh. I'm hard of hearing, so all those are good with me. Like I said. Doesn't define me. What makes me? Start talking shit about my friends and family. That should do it. Yep.

Inevitable

It seems to be a trend in my life where, people leave... I replace them... kind of... not really. Three people that I'm terrified will leave me and one already has. The other two promise they never will... and I only believe one of them. I've never had close friends. I'm not even sure why I don't focus a whole lot on friendships. I just don't. People irritate me too easily unless they're just... I don't know... Maybe, I'm jealous? I know that much. I was jealous when my Mom started dating Gary in the first place. Now look where that is. I'm jealous that my best friend is... well... best friends with someone else now. Soon... she'll have more people to keep her occupied and won't need me much at all.

I think about moving a lot. I want to move again. I want to start over, kind of. I'm looking for that next dead drop that has all of the information I'm looking for in it. Ugh. Yes, this is a piss and moan entry. Do I give a fuck? Um... wait, I see it... there it--nope, it's gone now.

I hate depression.

Even more... I hate being a depressed introvert. Loneliest fucking type of person, take it from me. If I didn't have Nathan, quite honestly, I would either be in a different country like I planned before by now. Only because I don't care for the idea of taking my life. What the hell was the point of me whining on a daily basis, if I'm gonna do that shit?

I just want my life back. I almost had it... almost... I kinda have it... kinda...

Maybe I need to get out more.