My Last Conversation With My Mother.

• Jess Taylor

  • So, I think I'm one of the last people you'd expect to message you at midnight and I honestly don't know if you care to read what I have to say, but depending how things go, I might not disappear again.
    I just want to get it out there that I find Jennifer's new relationship with Dustin who is not only 24 years old, but her cousin's ex-fiance, a little more than disturbing. Please tell me you're not okay with this, because if anyone is, I have lost all fucking faith in the humanity of this family and want absolutely nothing to do with it.
• March 12

  Aletta Tibbles

  • Ok I just got it bizarre. And I know this is weird for you but it will last until you tell her all the stories about him. And it has to come from you not me. I didn't want her dating Josh Perrigo lil druggie and thief so I told her Dustin was better than Josh at least you can talk her out of this one. She thinks she has to have a man and here's me shaking my head at her. Crazy girl she's real hurt by Max breaking up w her n Dustin is rebound is all. I have faith in you to talk her out of it and I love you too always will no matter what even when you've done shit you shouldn't have. And I gotta tell ya you need to apologize b4 I talk any more to ya ok. Bcoz what ya did was wrong and it still hurts
• March 12

  Jess Taylor

  • haha I can tell her all about Josh too for that matter. we dated for a little while when I was living with shyrah. not something I'm proud of.
  • And honestly, we've both done things we shouldn't have, you and I. What exactly I'm apologizing for I'm not too sure of though.

Level of Pain

You know that personality, that usually the most emotional types have, where they try to make people smile, laugh, or simply feel better because those emotions end up affecting their own? I have that really hard.

I have spent my life so far, making others happy, before myself. A lot of them don't realize it. It's just instinct for me. My friend is upset, I be rational about the situation and still try to make them cheer up. If someone's hurt, I try to help them feel better. 

What about me? What about when I feel hurt... empty... useless... or distraught? I never ask that... "what about me"... it always sounds so selfish. But sometimes, I can't help it. :( 

Sometimes all it takes is someone having a bad day and snapping at me for me to break down like it's the end of the world. Then what? I sit here. Blog. Cry. Cry until I feel okay again. 

I don't understand where things went wrong in my life... why I don't enjoy leaving home... why I get anxious at the thought of leaving home... why I worry so much about things, but could care less what happens to me.

I appreciate that I have people who care. Some people don't have that. But this isn't about other people who have it worse. I don't give a shit. I'm not having a good time and I want to get better. 

I don't get to go cry to my mommy because she thinks I'm insane and wants me to bend to her will and be okay with her selfless husband attempting to make out with me and grabbing my ass. No thanks.

I can't go cry to my daddy because he's an alcoholic and really isn't all there. Not to mention, years of neglect kind of makes me less comfortable around him. 

I can't really go to any of my family because they either side with my mother or I've never been able to see them much when I was younger. 

I literally have no one in family anymore. 

So I've made my own. Unfortunately, making your own family means that it's like a bunch of hedgehogs in a box. You wanna cuddle to keep warm but your quills end up hurting each other and so you have to keep your distance. 

Someday, I'm hoping to be able to blog about my happy life. 

Someday.
I'll start by watching some comedy. Can't go wrong with comedy and comfort food.

How To Love

Click this for the Story behind the song...

I've always liked this song since I first heard it and until now, never caught onto the story behind the acting. I can attest that this song strikes some painful chords in one's past, mine especially, and I just want to point out that people overcome hardships like this every day. Honestly? If it weren't for Emi and her family taking me in when I was kicked to the curb and for Nate loving me unconditionally, I'd probably be in the worst of situations... the ones nobody likes talking about but you see it on the news anyway. I'm not exactly thriving in life at the moment, but I'm happy and that counts for more than most can account for. <3 Thanks everyone who's ever been there for me in every and any little way.

Crying Away The Last of My Pain

I'm not sure why the tears are rolling down my cheeks right now but I feel so overwhelmed right now... I never realized how much I love Nathan. The thought of losing him kills me inside. The image of his smile or silly gestures makes me smile and cry even harder. Oh, Lord. I'm beginning to sweat. Or I'm just really warm. To think that in less than a week, I'll have been with the man for six months. I've never had a serious argument with him, never been angry with him, never had him angry with me, never felt cheated or less than what I'm worth.
To think... that I had specific plans to leave my life behind without a word to anyone before that night he took me up on the ridge to look at La Crosse from an amazing view... yeah, that moment will be with me forever. I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I tried everything because there was no way, in my mind, that there was a perfect man. I even tried blaming it on his teeth at one point but it didn't friggin' work. I will always love this man, as I always have.

What Harry Potter means to me?

I was asked by a friend in a role-play group for her final college project  to write about what Harry Potter means to me. I wrote the following on the group wall today: 


Harry Potter, has been like Alice in Wonderland to me. It was a world to escape to. A world unlike any other, yet, very similar to our own. Fighting the evil bullies in our society, not matter their level, it was encouraging to know that anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. So many important life lessons, friendship lessons, love lessons... lessons on how to keep hope. That one scene when Dumbledore dies and everyone raises their wands to banish the dark mark always tugs at my heartstrings. That is true unity. Whether you believe in a higher power, or a common idea, or simply support the same person who lead you toward the light, there is a strong sense of brother and sisterhood. Of family. I don't really have much of a family anymore as my mother is a recovering drug addict that has gone off the edge and thinks I'm insane and my dad is an alcoholic who doesn't care about anything except the next bottle he buys. I can't speak with my own brother and the rest of my mother's family has pretty much disowned me and vice versa. I've never been close to my dad's family because my mother didn't want us to be after the divorce. Like I said, as far as blood family goes, I got nothing. So, like Harry, I've made my own family. I have a few choice close friends that I keep close. I have the love of my life with me and we plan to make a bigger family someday. Not to mention, I've become rather attached to his own family. Yes, I will read Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter to my kids. And when they're a little older, they can watch the movies, too.