I spend a lot of my time lately thinking about how hungry I am, how to kill this bastard on Skyrim, how to maneuver my next sneak attack on my boyfriend's feet, and how I'm going to spend the following day.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.
MASHED POTATOES!!!
ReplyDelete