Just One of Them Days

It's just one of them days, where I just wanna cry, just wanna die. Just one of them days where I can't take the pain but there's no one to blame...
It's just one of them days where I get a little empty inside, can't make much sense out of what I'm thinking, always dreamin'...
It's just one of them days where I wanna shut down, no point in going back, don't dare turn around...
It's just one of them days so hell-bent and spiteful, killing me in turn, no warning or kind whisper...
Don't tell me it gets better, only I can decide that...
Don't worry about me, it's just one of them days.

Thoughts on the Validity of Friendships

 I keep my friends like this: If they are, in any way, what I would like to be like, I keep them. They are my motivation, my pride, my love. Once they show an ugly side, like close mindedness, or something I vow to never come into my life, we tend to grow apart, whether I like it or not. Fools will be fools. Don't let them fool you twice.  And it's the friends that you can joke around with about anything that are worth keeping forever. :)

Karma. It ebbs and flows...

I spend a lot of my time lately thinking about how hungry I am, how to kill this bastard on Skyrim, how to maneuver my next sneak attack on my boyfriend's feet, and how I'm going to spend the following day.
I don't find myself spending a whole lot of time thinking about expenses, priorities, my health, etc. I have a lot of debt racked up under my name in the last three years alone. Half of my medical bill, and EVERYTHING else. Three years. I don't bother worrying about it a whole lot because, hey, I'm fucking broke and can't do anything but worry about it and that doesn't do anything, so what's the point in that? So, I don't think about it, unless I can actually do something about it. Over the past 5 years, I've learned things about life that make it more simple and sadly, I had to relearn them. I envy those who are happy and laid-back. They didn't lose the knowledge I seek. I learned to be happy when I so choose, which is pretty much all the time. I could fix that. I started with smiling. Everyone loved my smile and I was such a shy person, so that's all they could get out of me anyway. But, even as I became more... charismatic with certain groups, that same characteristic stuck. My smile. Everyone loves my damn smile. I don't have straight, perfect, or even white teeth. They kinda look average. I discovered that I smile like a real person, much in the same sense that a real dancer feels the music. I feel life. I see it in other people, it makes me laugh when they laugh, smile when they smile, and I get that little warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see a happy child. We're all children, in a sense.
Another thing I've learned is to be independent. I had to learn that in a most cruel and painful way, which ended a life coming together so sweetly. I seemed to have an automatic response to feeling attached to people, where it would haunt me in my sleep, the mere thought of their non-existence. This has only happened for three different people in my life. The first one is no longer a part of my life, the second one is someone I can't remember, and the third is the one I can't imagine my life without. Deep breaths. I hope I never have these of my own children; they're scary dreams.
Today, I start something I actually like and here's hoping it lasts.

VINEYARD SPAM SALAD

s Recipe By     : 
 Serving Size  : 6    Preparation Time :0:00
 Categories    : Salads
 
   Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
 --------  ------------  --------------------------------
    1       cn           SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
                         -(12 oz)
      2/3   c            Mayonnaise or salad dressing
    1       tb           Lime juice
    1       t            Dry mustard
    2       c            Seedless grapes
    1       c            Peapods, cut in half
      1/2   c            Thinly sliced red onion
 
   In skillet, saute SPAM over high heat 2 minutes,
   stirring constantly; set aside. In small bowl, combine
   mayonnaise, lime juice, and dry mustard. In large
   bowl, combine grapes, SPAM, peapods, and onion. Tos
   with mayonnaise mixture. Cover and chill 1 hour.

Chocolate Cupcakes with Flaming Strawberries

Yield:  About 20 cupcakes Cupcakes: 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour 1 1/2 cups sugar 1 1/2 tsp baking soda 3/4 tsp baking powder 3/4 tsp salt 2 eggs 3/4 cup hot water 3/4 cup heavy cream 3 tbsp canola or other vegetable oil 2 tsp vanilla extract Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin tin with cupcake papers and set aside. Sift together cocoa, flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt into a large bowl.  Add eggs, water, heavy cream, oil and vanilla.  Mix with a hand held mixer until smooth.  Divide batter among muffin cups, filling each half full.  Bake for 20 minutes.  Let cool before frosting. Frosting: 2 sticks softened butter 4 cups confectioners' sugar 4 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with whisk attachment, cream together sugar, cocoa and butter; beginning on low speed then increase to high.  Beat until fluffy and lightened in color.  Transfer mixture to a piping bag fitted with a decorative tip.  Frost cupcakes. Strawberries: 18-24 Strawberries - you'll need as many as you have cupcakes Vodka, rum, or your choice of liquor 80 proof or higher (use Bacardi 151 for fail-proof results) Hollow the strawberries carefully.  If you pierce the side of the strawberry accidentally, start with a new one.  Since you'll be setting the liquor aflame, it is important that your strawberry is leak-proof. Set one strawberry atop each frosted cupcake.  Fill strawberries with liquor just before lighting (see tips).  If you need to light them all at once, (say, for a party) use a turkey baster to quickly fill all the strawberries and a grill lighter in lieu of matches. Notes for flaming strawberries: Any alcohol below 80 proof will not light well.  I used 80 proof and got a nice blue flambe'. Note: some have had trouble getting 80 proof to ignite - lots of people are recommending Bacardi 151 as a fail-safe.   You can add a little sugar to the inside of the strawberry to sweeten things up. However, the flame seems to last longer without the addition of sugar. Make sure to use a liquor that you like.  Vodka is a good choice if you want very little flavor. Alcohol evaporates, so light the strawberry soon after you spoon the liquor in.  Do I have to say it?  Probably not, but my conscience will not let me go without.  Do not attempt to eat a flaming strawberry.  It's a relatively short burn time, lasting about 30 seconds to 1 minute. So, enjoy but be careful.  Use your noodle. www.sprinklebakes.com/2011/01/chocolate-cupcakes-with-flaming.html

Pizza Sliders

If  you can only find Italian sausage in link form, just slice through the casing and squeeze the sausage into a bowl before mixing with the pepperoni.  You can, of course, use any slider bun for these, but the pizza dough makes these really special.

12 pizza dough buns (see recipe below)
Marinara sauce (homemade or store-bought)
1 ½ lbs spicy Italian sausage
Several slices pepperoni, chopped
Mozzarella cheese (fresh mozzarella or grated)
12 leaves of fresh basil

Mix the chopped pepperoni and Italian sausage together.  Form into patties about 1 ½ inches in diameter.  Cook the sausages on a large griddle or skillet sprayed with nonstick cooking spray for about 6 minutes.  Turn the sausages and then top with the mozzarella cheese, covering with a lid to help melt the cheese.  Alternately, after they are cooked, you can place them in the microwave for a few seconds to melt the cheese.

While the patties are cooking, slice the buns in half and spread some of the marinara sauce on each half.  Place the sausage pattie on the bottom half, top with a basil leaf and then the top half of the bun.  Serve immediately.

Pizza Dough Slider Buns

1 lb of pizza dough (store-bought or homemade)
Olive oil

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees

Spray a muffin tin with nonstick cooking spray

Slice the dough into small-ish pieces and form into balls about 1 3/4  inches in diameter.  Roll the balls in olive oil to completely coat and then place in the muffin tins, cover with a towel and let them rise for about ½ hour.

Bake for 8-10 minutes or until lightly golden brown and puffy.  Remove from the pan and let cool before slicing.

http://circle-b-kitchen.squarespace.com/food-and-recipes/2011/6/19/pizza-sliders.html

It's Not Them, It's Me

I've come to the conclusion that my depression is not anyone's fault. I realized it's not the people making me miserable, it's my lack of people, and things to do ...that is the cause. Smile often. Just smile for no reason.

My Life Indeed Sucks Without It

Why I quit my job? Not sure. Can't be assed, thinking about the past anymore. I need to move on and on.
I have found someone so wonderful to be my significant other and he is ever so supportive, I think I'm falling in love.
I want to move, yet again, much closer to downtown. I'm significantly closer now, but not quite There yet.
I can't quite forgive the financial ass rape I've been receiving lately from letting people on my phone account or using my name to buy them furniture. I need to use my friend's advice and learn to say no more often. Stop letting people, especially those close to me, take advantage of what I have to give.  Can't handle it anymore.
And this time around, I will be more financially responsible by making and sticking to a fixed budget. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Here's hoping for progress in my immediate future. Cheers!

Penny for your thoughts...

I've come to the conclusion that moving on means starting over. No more basing new experience with old. No more blaming others for how I am. Quit taking everything seriously and just live life how it is. One day at a time. Let the weakness leave my body one pain at a time. Overcome impossibilities. Live life on the edge and like there's no tomorrow.  Tell everyone I love that i appreciate them on a more common basis. Create a world of color and use shades of every part of the spectrum. Learn to fly. Embrace change. Read this very blog every time I lose my way. :)

Bourbon Pumpkin Pie Milkshakes

Makes 2 shakes
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup cream or half and half
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2/3 cup pureed pumpkin
1/2 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice
1/3 cup graham cracker crumbs
2-3 ounces of bourbon
frosting + sprinkles (or cinnamon sugar) for glasses
Add all ingredients to a blender and mix until combined. Rim glasses with a light coating of frosting then dip in sprinkles. Pour in shake and sprinkle cinnamon on top. Top with whipped cream if desired. Serve!

Exanimate Expressions

Lifeless. Dull. Life is what we make it. Empty promises or false hope. Don't give up. Smile often. Laugh at nothing. We all have a spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Eighteen Layers of Hell

According to the Buddhist believes, when someone’s karmic debt is too heavy, upon death he or she won’t be able to go anywhere else but plunge straight down to Hell. So ultimately, it is not Ghost King’s verdict but one’s own karmic weight that gets one fall into Hell and stuck there.
Hell is said to be a world at the bottom of the universe, or more precisely, at the inner most layer of the cosmos. And Hell itself is again divided into many layers (or say, many levels), each characterised with a particular kind of terror. Following is one of many versions of the Hell’s floor plan:
The First Floor: Name: Chamber of Tongue Ripping Function: Those who stir up troubles by gossiping will find their tongues being ripped out.
The Second Floor: Name: Chamber of Scissors Function: Those who break the marriage of others will have their fingers cut off.
The Third Floor: Name: Chamber of Iron Trees Function: Those who cause discords among family members of other people will find their body being pierced by hooks and hung upside down on iron trees.
The Fourth Floor: Names: Chamber of Mirror Functions: Those who escape the earthly punishment will find their true shape being displayed in the mirror, and the old karmic debt will have to be paid with high interest.
The Fifth Floor: Name: Chamber of Steamer Function: Instigators and hypocrites will find themselves being steamed in a steamer.
The Sixth Floor: Name: Forest of Copper Column Function: Arsonists will get themselves stuck to a scotching hot copper column.
The Seventh Floor: Name: Mountain of Knifes Function: Those who kill sentient beings with knife will find themselves climbing a hill of knifes.
The Eighth Floor: Name: Hill of Ice Function: Cold-blooded schemers and ungrateful suckers, including those who ill-treat their partners and elders, will find themselves naked in this freezing cold environment.
The Ninth Floor: Name: Cauldron of Boiling Oil Function: Sex offenders such as rapists, lechers and adulterers will find themselves being fried in boiling oil.
The above are the upper nine floors belonging to the East Hell. Further down is the West Hell with another nine floors.
The Tenth Floor: Name: Chamber of Ox Function: Those who abuse animals will find themselves being bullied by animals.
The Eleventh Floor: Name: Chamber of Rock Function: Those who abandon or kill newborns will find themselves being crushed under a rock and soaked in filthy water.
The Twelfth Floor: Name: Chamber of Pounding Function: Those who wilfully waste food will find themselves being pounded like crops.
The Thirteenth Floor: Name: Pool of Blood Function: Those who do not respect others will find themselves soaked in blood. It is said that those who died of bleeding are actually given a preview of their afterlife.
The Fourteenth Level: Name: Town of Quitters Function: Those who commit suicide will find themselves wandering in this town of misery where the wind of sorrow and rain of grief blasting day and night. They are the ones slipping off the normal incarnation paths and will live in the gaps of the worlds for a long, long time.
The Fifteenth Level: Name: Chamber of Dismemberment Function: Those who disturb the deceased by digging tombs will find their body being torn into pieces.
The Sixteen Floor: Name: Mountain of Flames Function: Those who steal, briber and rob will find themselves surrounded by the lasting inferno.
The Seventeenth Floor: Name: Yard of Stone Mill Function: Those who abuse their power and oppress the people will find themselves being ground into powder.
The Eighteenth Floor: Name: Chamber of Saw Function: Those who exploit the loopholes in the law to cheat and engage in malpractice in business will find themselves being sawed into half.
From the Buddhist point of view, being a sufferer in Hell is just one of six ways of living,and once a hell mate paid off its karmic debt, it will become light enough to rise up and be reincarnated into other forms of existence.
Hell, though terrifying, is as solid and as illusive as this human world. Since it is a universally shared perception, like the sun the moon and indeed the universe itself, it won’t burst into Nothingness because you do not believe in it, just as the moon won’t disappear because you do not see it -unless, of course, it is a moon or a hell in your dreamland and being susdained by your solo consciousness.
http://wenhousecrafts.com/places/hell.htm

Psalm 46

Psalm 46

Psalm 46^[a]

    For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth.^[b] A song.

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 46:1 In Hebrew texts 46:1-11 is numbered 46:2-12.
2. Psalm 46:1 Title: Probably a musical term
3. Psalm 46:3 The Hebrew has Selah (a word of uncertain meaning) here and at the end of verses 7 and 11.
4. Psalm 46:9 Or chariots