Level of Pain

You know that personality, that usually the most emotional types have, where they try to make people smile, laugh, or simply feel better because those emotions end up affecting their own? I have that really hard.

I have spent my life so far, making others happy, before myself. A lot of them don't realize it. It's just instinct for me. My friend is upset, I be rational about the situation and still try to make them cheer up. If someone's hurt, I try to help them feel better. 

What about me? What about when I feel hurt... empty... useless... or distraught? I never ask that... "what about me"... it always sounds so selfish. But sometimes, I can't help it. :( 

Sometimes all it takes is someone having a bad day and snapping at me for me to break down like it's the end of the world. Then what? I sit here. Blog. Cry. Cry until I feel okay again. 

I don't understand where things went wrong in my life... why I don't enjoy leaving home... why I get anxious at the thought of leaving home... why I worry so much about things, but could care less what happens to me.

I appreciate that I have people who care. Some people don't have that. But this isn't about other people who have it worse. I don't give a shit. I'm not having a good time and I want to get better. 

I don't get to go cry to my mommy because she thinks I'm insane and wants me to bend to her will and be okay with her selfless husband attempting to make out with me and grabbing my ass. No thanks.

I can't go cry to my daddy because he's an alcoholic and really isn't all there. Not to mention, years of neglect kind of makes me less comfortable around him. 

I can't really go to any of my family because they either side with my mother or I've never been able to see them much when I was younger. 

I literally have no one in family anymore. 

So I've made my own. Unfortunately, making your own family means that it's like a bunch of hedgehogs in a box. You wanna cuddle to keep warm but your quills end up hurting each other and so you have to keep your distance. 

Someday, I'm hoping to be able to blog about my happy life. 

Someday.
I'll start by watching some comedy. Can't go wrong with comedy and comfort food.